I’ve seen some posts floating around instagram recently that really resonated with me; a post by Simone Murphy (https://www.instagram.com/p/BokG5IInR0K/?taken-by=sim0nemurphy) and a fantastic blog post by Georgie Philippa (http://www.georgiephilippa.com/2018/10/living-instasham.html) who managed to put into words EXACTLY how I feel. These posts, written by these beautiful and talented women who I adore so much, are all about social media and the those picture perfect girls, with their picture perfect lives and their perfect bodies appear to be living and also, the pressure to post daily content whilst completely disregarding your own feelings of anxiety in an attempt to remain consistent and ‘relevant’ in the blogger world.
I wish I could pin point the moment in time I started stressing about how many likes I’m getting, how many people have followed or unfollowed me, putting my personal life, feelings, anxiety aside to become this ‘online self’ who, I don’t even recognise anymore.
Without sounding like a self-obsessed freak; there’s nothing I actually disliked about myself or had much desire to change, until that is, I started endlessly scrolling through Instagram and comparing myself to these photos on my feed.
I wish I could pin point the moment in time when taking and editing photos went from something enjoyable to do for myself to me sitting scrutinising every single photo, from the moment it’s taken to the moment it’s uploaded, trying to make myself look perfect and craving likes, comments and validation from others who probably feel the same way. I used to edit my photos for fun because I loved playing around with colours and shadows but now I find myself editing my photos because I think I need to, because I can’t stand my face/body without editing, without filters. You don’t realise how detrimental this is in real life (PSA - Instagram is NOT real life) until you start scrutinising your appearance constantly and comparing yourself to everyone you see online, you inevitably fall into a hole of self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, Social media is toxic. It’s not something I’m willing to give up on completely but I’m going to take a step back, be more of my unfiltered, unedited self and god forbid, give myself a damn break when I need it. Followers, likes and online validation ain’t worth stressing over.
Happiness, self love and self acceptance comes from within and shines through to the outside; it can’t be forced, faked or edited.
So I’m starting with these unplanned, unposed photos, no editing, no filters, no makeup, hair scraped back. This is the most me that I’ve ever felt able to show in this ‘online life’ I lead and hey, I kinda like it.